Tuesday, 16 August 2016

Life without a job is fantastically peaceful for me - a regular day veers between blender, Warcraft and preparing food, while housework sort of happens without me noticing while I move around the house; having to go to class once a week somehow changes that, and alongside homework and a bit of social life, my life suddenly feels hectic. It's 'hectic' in the same way that a singe sheep invasion is on a deserted farm, but for me, with what I'm used to, it's still not half as relaxed.

So there's school and we're learning cool stuff about how our body works with food, and it's a lot of mental training (much moreso than the question what to eat and when); then a friend dropped by the other day and was depressed and said she hadn't tended to her house for a while so we went over there and I got to clean and arrange some - she said at some point, stunned, 'You're enjoying this,' and I beamed; how can I explain that feeling of purification, of healing, of setting-things-right that I get when I take a mess and make it orderly? It feels like fixing the world. It was awesome, no little thanks to the fact I knew this was really make her feel better - but the downside is, of course, that 115 kgs isn't anything a human foot is supposed to bear for six hours, so I ended up limping my way home like a duck and dreaming of when this will no longer be the case. Still, a very satisfying, busy day; and today was school, and tomorrow I get to babysit (!!) Noog's baby, who is less than three months old, and for a couple of hours I'll get a taste of what it is to tend to a baby, which, I admit, terrifies me. Gods above, I hope she doesn't end up crying, because then I'll just panic. I'll probably end up reading Lovecraft to her to put her to sleep or something.

With all that going on, less time for Warcraft or serious Blender or spending time with Lucky or Lotro, (yeah yeah, I know, the pain which is my life) which is weird, but will likely make me appreciate it all the more when I get to it. And school only has four weeks left, and after that I'll get my deserted-farm life back and will be far more relaxed and friendly. Perhaps even enough to offer to watch over the baby again. 

Friday, 12 August 2016

Never Left Alone 2016

We meet once a year now, because life, and reasons, and my weight; but he comes about a month or two after my birthday with the annual music collection he'd made me - it's the 13th year, now - and we listen to it, and revel in how awesome it was to grow up and get rid of all the teenage angst, and I say, as ever, that those collections are a portrait of his personality each year anew; and I love seeing (hearing) them grow less troubled, more touching, more with a tongue in cheek when it comes to drama, and always compelling.

And always him; with the peach-and-cream shade of the skin on his hands, long fingers, long jaw, subtle changes from year to year; his skin grows thinner, I notice - papery, almost, and the subtle shades of peach and pink are more noticeable. More hair on arms, less weight on everywhere, better dressed, always neat. I remember the prickly person he was, and revel at the tenderer father he is, and at his love for his wife and wonder at his kids. And every year in the last songs our hands touch and we smile, and I always get tearful; some because the music is lovely, but mostly because he is. Today I pulled him up to dance on the last minute, then hugged him and said thank you, and I know he knows how touched I am by this annual tradition, but still I wish I could convey it more.

One day I'll find the musician who will compose, sing and record a poem I'll right as a thank you for this. I've known the name since year #3: Love, Loss, Life, Longing - it was written with a permanent marker on my mirror for years, in the former apartment. Until then, I can only hope he understands.

For the first time since I remember I gave him a song back and was actually present to see his reaction, which was, perhaps, the best part. It was Sting's The Last Ship, of course, my favourite song (and album) this year; and he listened to it all, eyes closed and a smile slowly growing wider on his face, and seeing him like this was... a rare delight, better than so many things I thought the peak of wonder. This surpassed them all, and the image of that smile,  I hope I'll remember it as well as the music; would that I could record it in a similar way.

And he's right; it's been 13 years of those collections going with me through good and bad, Israel and Poland, Warcraft and Lotro, painting and Blender; I am Never Left Alone.

And I'm so touched and grateful. 

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

I'm writing less because multi-excitement has never been my strong suit - that is, when I get addicted to something, it's usually one thing at a time; right now I'm drowning in three awesomes, and am somehow too consumed with that to write.

Awesome number one is of course Blender, my bestie, my darling, my saviour and my joy; turns out that all I need to do instead of emotional eating is clean models in Blender. Tah happy.

Awesome number two is what I meanly call FAT SCHOOL, which, whether will get me to lose weight or not, is so interesting it's already worth it. I'm learning so much fascinating stuff it makes my head explode.

Awesome number three is being excited about Warcraft again, not because there's an expansion coming out in three weeks, but because the guild's inched closer to what I want in roleplaying; that's really, probably, the funmost of the Three Awesomes.

Anyway, I'll be back to Blender; I should totally gash out about stuff I learnt in fat school because it blows my mind out, but not when I'm in the middle of making a picture of a night elf breathing life into a flower. Priorities.

Sunday, 31 July 2016

Blender junk I do when I need a break

Blender is my OCD heaven; whenever I'm down, or miffed, or need to chill out, I open a random model and start cleaning it up, or trying to tweak it, or experimenting with stuff I don't know how to do. It's very relaxing, and while the results are hardly gallery matter, its possibly the funmost part of playing with the program.

So yesterday I decided I wanted to make a pirate's coat. It was much easier than I'd expected, and most of the work was texturing, which I bullshitted my way through with a mouse because I don't want to touch my cursed Cintiq - oh, sic transit - but at least it communicates the general idea.

And seeing as my go-to female character is Lucky's character, I immediately did this to test and see if it looks okay in a render, with a quote from him I'm very fond of:

Next, we have my attempts at making youth and kids, because the WoW model are single-age, single-build. I've long tried to make younger people, but was punching above my weight (which is, really, the definition of my entire Blender career) - but I've gained some tools which make this look less like a complete creepy failure, and more like a work in progress. The drive for making this one was the fact that Jake's geeking about 3D and wow art with me felt so nice, I was overtaken by the urge to make a scene he once described with his character as a kid. That was ten years ago, but the image stuck with me.

First attempt was a fail, mainly because he turned out about 18 and her 12, and they're supposed to be much younger.

Second one was better, but then I got lazy (or rather, taken by commissions for people who paid and therefore rightly expect me to handle their order rather than toy with nostalgia) - but I learnt SO MUCH doing that - like <blenderTechTalk> HOW TO PERMANENTLY APPLY RESHAPING OF THE MESH DONE WITH A BONE</blenderTechTalk> which I know doesn't sound like much, but totally had me bouncing around the room with excitement. Ah, bliss.

Besides, the pose and composition of this one work better than what's normal for my pictures, so I'm happy. I might go back to it one day, if only because seeing those ridiculously muscled arms on a 14 years old makes me cringe, and one day I might actually stop hating my Cintiq and can be arsed to fix that wonky texture (and dude what's going on with the two different textures on her shoes sheesh).

Anyway, discovering how to do stuff is probably the best part of it, if one counts out client reactions and chatting with geeking out with Jake, so I'm happy. But I should really stop dawdling here and go back to that fire mage commission... right after I finish that Epic Battle of the Pelennor Fields with Lucky... oh, decisions, decisions.

Friday, 29 July 2016

To dare dream

Magic diet of awesome isn't letting me down. 5 kg down in two weeks, and I'm almost hopeful about the 40 left to go. Ten kg more and I'll be able to exercise again, which is likely to be needed, otherwise loose skin, nooo!

It's fun to dream of being 25 less; being out of this prison! And then, I've decided, I'll fly to Europe. I've been wanting to do so for 5 years. I've missed the peak of friendship with Switz, but I hope not to miss it with Lucky; visiting him is my goal now. As soon as I hit that 25 kg line. I want to meet my friend, this time.

So far this 'diet' requires zero will power. Sure, I'm not allowed any sugar or gluten - but anything with it seems unattractive now; like dog food. If I want sweet, I can have fruit which I've always loved; if it's not sweet I crave, I can have so many things which are awesome and aren't sugar or gluten. Burgers and steaks! Vegetables and fabaceae, with all the nice fats (olive oil, tehini, avocado, nuts of all kinds) - and vegetables with fat taste nice, they taste great, unlike all those soy/lemon no-fat horrid things I ate in every other diet.

I'm sure I'll miss bread, pasta and cake at some point; but I'm sure I'll have the tools to handle it then. For now, I delight at the fact that I only get hungry thrice a day, and get full much faster (because they train you to feel your hunger again, to feel being full again) - and without sugars, there's nothing to cause unnatural hunger. And there's tools to handle emotional eating, too.

In short, said 'careful' optimism is less careful. Never before have I had a diet that required zero will power, but this is it; it might last, even forever - and I'll get to go on a plane without feeling scared or embarrassed; to land in Luton, to take that train, and to see the close friends I have never met. Oh, that dream is so sweet.

Monday, 25 July 2016

The magical diet of awesome? Skepticism, save me!

. אני חייבת להתפוצץ כאן מהתרגשות על ה'דיאטה' החדשה שאליה הגעתי כשאני כבר בחצי הדרך לניתוח בריאטרי, כי ויתרתי על התקווה שאצליח לרדת במשקל. זה לא רק העובדה שאני מתביישת כבר שש שנים לבוא בציבור, והסתלקתי מכל החברים שלי כדי שלא יראו אותי כך; זה השלד שלא נועד לסחוב כל כך הרבה, אלה שלל בעיות גופניות שנובעות פשוט מזה שהגוף שלי מצופה בשכבה של 3-15 ס"מ של שומן; זו העובדה שגם לקפוץ החוצה לקנות חומרי ניקוי זה כל כך לא נוח, כי לשים חזיה מהודקת על כל הבשר הזה זה כמו להסתובב עם מלחציים; בקיצור, אני יודעת שיש נשים שנוח וטוב להן להיות שמנות, אבל אני, לפחות עכשיו, כל כך לא.

אלה עשרה שיעורים, והגעתי לשם בהרגשה של 'נו, זה כנראה לא יעבוד, אבל אין לי מה להפסיד'. שיעור ראשון: מודיעים לנו שאין יותר סוכר וגלוטן. אין. אף פעם. בום. ואני אומרת - טוב, הנה כמה אלפי שקלים בפח. אין מצב שהם מצליחים לגרום לי לא לרצות מאפים ומתוקים.

אין לי מושג איך הם עשו את זה - אבל אין לי שום דחף לגעת בשום דבר שמכיל סוכר, וגם - הרבה יותר משמעותי - בבצקים. אני אוכלת נהדר. אין לי מגבלת כמות, וגם בלי סוכר וקמח יש המון אוכל נהדר ואני נדרשת לאכול ממנו כמה שהגוף רוצה - בשר עשיר ושלל השתוללויות, עוף צלוי עם עור והכל, חביתות עם ארבעה סוגי גבינות, דגים מכל הסוגים, ירקות מכל הסוגים, אפילו פירות (כמעט כולם), אבוקדו, טחינה, אגוזים ושמן זית - ומי שמע על דיאטה שבה מותר לי לאכול אבטיח בלי הגבלה מלבד 'עד ששבעת'?

יש הרבה יותר מזה בתהליך - זה תהליך נפשי, אימון למצוא מחדש תחושות פיזיות שקהו עם שנים של תזונה גרועה, אימון לאיך לנטרל את כל מה שגורם לנו להיות שמנים; ואני רק שבועיים פנימה, אבל קורים כל כך הרבה דברים לא מתקבלים על הדעת שאני מוכרחה לחלוק.

אז הנה דברים שלא האמנתי בחיים שלי שיקרו לי:

  1. ללמוד שיש בחילה שקורית כשהחמצת את תחושת הרעב. אני? להחמיץ רעב?!
  2. לאכול המבורגר עם בייקון שלוש פעמים בשבוע כי אוכל טעים זה חלק אינטגרלי מהדיאטה.
  3. לא להיות מתוסכלת מרעב.
  4. לא להיות מודאגת ממה לאכול.
  5. לא להצטרך להגביל כמויות.
  6. לאכול פירות בלי יסורי מצפון.
  7. בכלל, אפס יסורי מצפון בנוגע לאוכל.
  8. לאכול רק פעמיים ביום כי אני לא רעבה.
  9. לא לחשוב על אוכל כל היום. או בכלל.
  10. להרגיש נמרצת משך כל היום כולו, בלי גלי עייפות.
  11. לא להרגיש נפוחה מאוכל אף פעם.
  12. לא להרגיש מקופחת, מבויישת או מתוסכלת מאוכל או מהיעדרו.
  13. והכי מגניב: לרדת ארבעה קילו בשבועיים, בלי אפילו פאקינג לנסות. בלי אוכל מגעיל, בלי ספורט ובלי לרעוב. מה נסגר? מי שיבש את חוקי הפיסיקה ולא סיפר לי?
בקיצור... זה מרגיש כמו קסם. 

אני מחכה להתעורר מהפלא הזה, ומקווה שלא. נראה.

Sunday, 24 July 2016

Six awesomes in one day

Yesterday had so many nice things in it I want to list them down just to remember, or internalize how lovely it can be.

Husband was enthused and happy, as he always is when there's a new exciting game out, and it filled the house with light. That's one.

Then I got a mean note on Skype from someone; toxic, hurtful words. That would usually bring me down for two days of bitterness, and feeling it's unfair, and untrue, and being frustrated with not being able to speak back; but I did some mental process - what he was saying was so far fetched it was clear there was no reasonable partner to explain things to; and besides, nobody wants to be friends with someone toxic, right? Once I processed this, I sent him a note back telling him I sincerely wished him all the best, health, fulfillment and happiness, and removed him from the list. Being able to go past this without it devastating me, that felt... good. Success.

Then an old friend, Jake, gave me a prod for something technical - Jake's the kid I met ten years ago in Warcraft, when he was fourteen, and he grew up so amazingly it almost makes me sorry I don't have kids - and that chat ended with gathering up him, husband and Lucky, and going of to do stuff together in Warcraft; it almost felt like having the old gang together again - discovering things and facing game challenges together, all of us laughing on voice, no threat, no discomfort, just amicable companionship; and we'll go on doing that together in the upcoming expansion in a month - so not only was it great friendly fun yesterday, it's going to go on with better game things to discover, which makes me very happy.

Then I ended up Blendering Jake's character for my own fun, not for a commission. I still absolutely suck at reshaping body forms - I'm trying to make the chunky Warcraft human male look 16 instead of a full (gorilla-built) grown up; but this attempt was so much better than anything I managed before, and I learnt a couple of new tools. And chatting with Jake about technical Blender stuff made me realize I miss that kind of thing too; just a technical wow art buddy, so that was great as well.

So four hours of blind, rampant, full-in-flow Blendering - the best kind, really, when it's as if you're on drugs, you forget the world - I was knackered and ready for bed at six in the morning, then I did my first breach of the diet. That is - this 'diet' isn't really dieting, but one rule is 'don't weigh yourself', and I couldn't resist and broke it; and there, knackered at six AM, I discovered that I'd lost three kgs in ten days - without frustration, being hungry, craving anything or exercising. All the diet tropes aren't there, yet weight is being lost.

So I glided my way to bed on wings of happiness and hope, got a kiss from husband who just woke up, and... yeah. What a lovely, lovely day.